It's really happening ...

I spoke to Kim Pearson today -- she's the president of Trans Youth Family Allies. She's coming on Sunday to stay with us for the night. Monday is the in-service at Jess's school. That makes it real.

One week and three days until I have to put my six year old on the bus to face the world without me.

Stress.....

Sticks and stones

Things have been lining up with our in-service at school next week to help Jessica's teacher's understand her medical condition. Alejandra and Jess visited the therapist last week, and the therapist said she didn't think she needed to see Alejandra any more. So I exhaled.

A little too soon. Jess told me today that Finn said to her that he is my prince and Ale is my princess, but she (Jessica) is nothing. Jess also said that both of her siblings had been calling her a boy. I sat both Finn and Alejandra down (again) and said that hurtful words would not be tolerated.

I said, "Jessica is going through a tough time." Ale's response -- "what about ME?" (Now, mind you, she and I have had lengthy discussions about how I was aware that this was affecting her, and that we had to have open dialogue about our situation. We talked at great length about what being transgender means, and how it's not something you can change. We talked about acceptance and prejudice. Not just once -- many, many times.) But this time, I had caught her doing something she wasn't supposed to do -- cutting Jess down. Something I had long suspected she has been doing behind my back. Jess idolizes her, and she looks for every opportunity to put Jessica down. I said, "it's not always about you -- growing up means learning to think beyond how things affect you."

Alejandra lost it.

"She's a boy!" she screamed at me. I sent her to her room to cool off, and she said, "I'll stay in my room FOREVER, because I don't want to live in the house with her."

Alrighty then. Holding my breath again.

Back to school means something so different this year ...

In the past, back-to-school season meant new clothes for the kids, stacks of paperwork for me and a feeling of excitement. This year, it's a feeling of dread. Like a shadow on the horizon, it keeps getting darker and closer. Each night, I hold my daughter a little tighter -- knowing what's coming. Praying that the world will love her for who she is.

Step one will be next Monday when we have the school in service. I can't go -- they want participants to be able to speak freely. But I'm going to know they're all in the school -- all talking about us. Judging my baby. Judging our family. I makes me sick to my stomach, but I try not to show it to the kids.

On the bright side, it's happening on my sister's birthday. I know she will be watching over us, and I don't think it's an accident that date was chosen.

In the middle of all this, we found Finn's birthmother and  birth family. By accident, really. But it's been something I've wanted for him for years. Both Ale and Jess have blood relatives they know of. Not Finn. So by using a little cyberdetective work, I found Finn's birthmother. I am so happy for him and for her -- I feel like I have done my job as an adoptive parent to make that connection. But the emotional roller-coaster ride just took a few more steep dips and turns that I didn't need just now.

Please send us good thoughts in the coming weeks. Pray that everything goes smoothly and that my daughter's heart isn't hurt.

Who will be our friends?

As my family settles into the new normal, I've started to think about what I tell -- and to whom. We are really hurting financially, and I want to get a nanny share to help offset some of the finances. But then I think -- what if people are interested? Do I tell them about Jessica? Will they be comfortable in a home where there is a transgender child?

And we're still new in this state. If we had lived here a while and had friends, people would have known we're a good family and, I believe, accepted Jessica for who she truly is. But we've only been here a year, and now I worry that we're going to be "that family." The one you talk about -- but not to.

I'm hoping there will be some people who will be able to see through the labels and like us for who we are.

Moving from "he" to "she" and from "Jake" to "Jessica"

When my daughter Alejandra came home from camp, she illustrated how far we have come in just one month. Finn and I had really moved on to calling Jake Jessica -- and to using the feminine pronouns. "Mom, she hit me!" instead of "Mom, he hit me!"  It's a step in the right direction.

But when Ale came home, she still refers to Jessica as Jake (which is really sounding strange to me now). She also calls her "him." When we left Ale, Jess was just beginning her transition. Having Alejandra home was like looking at a photo of us a month ago -- when Jess was still Jake.

It's nice to see we're making progress, and Ale is coming up the curve quickly. One step at a time ...

How many kids out there don't fit the gender stereotype?

I am hearing from so many friends whose children don't fit with the gender norms. Either they're effeminate boys or tomboys. I used to think we were the anomaly. Now, not so much ...

I want to kill myself ...

this is what Jessica told me last night. After several conversations with doctor and therapist, I am convinced that it's all part of testing new boundaries. She and I had had a conversation about what suicide is after we saw a program about transgender children that mentioned high suicide rates. I told her that the great thing is that we will never have to worry about suicide, because we always have each other to talk to.

So last night, after not getting something that she wanted, she threw a fit. I didn't give in, so she thought up the worst thing she could think of -- threatening to kill herself. I didn't care if it was all for show -- I took it seriously. I called the ped and the therapist. And they both convinced me that this is in line with other new behaviors she is showing. I liken them to PMS -- one minute she's sweet, the next minute she's snarling. She had our wonderful nanny in tears the other day -- screaming at her to go back to the Dominican Republic.

Thank God for good counselors, because I am learning this is par for the course. Wish us luck -- it's a bumpy ride that's getting bumpier all the time.

E-mails from transgender people -- and a look at my own prejudices.

I found a couple of online support groups for transgendered people. One is a locally based group. As an aside, the security required to join these groups is intense. I know there is a reason for it, and the reason scares me. I have this feeling I just don't know what we're in for.

But that said, some of the most supportive e-mails I've gotten have been from transgender people. Especially the male-to-female. One said to me that she wishes that her mom had listened to her when she was younger. And more than one has said that they knew from the time they were three or four that they were transgenedered. In general, they have been supportive and extremely kind. The funny thing is that I don't think I would have given any one of them more than an eye roll if I had met them six months ago. And I feel ashamed of that. I stereotyped transgendered people in the way that my parents stereotyped races. Six months ago, I would have told you that I wasn't prejudiced. Looking back I know I was.

God doesn't make mistakes

This is what one of Jess's friend's moms told me when I told her that Jessica feels like a girl trapped in a boy's body. What she implied is that God would never have made Jessica a boy if she were supposed to be a girl. I look at it a different way. I believe God made Jess transgender on purpose. What do you think?

Naughtiness

So for about three weeks, we've had this problem with unusual naughtiness. Instead of being her normal, impish, funny self (with occasional naughtiness), she almost can't stop being naughty. As an example, I had to work last weekend, and I let the kids play wii downstairs while I worked upstairs. When I came downstairs, Jessica had mixed a concoction of onion pieces (I had chopped and left on the chopping board) and steak sauce. It was on the furniture and big blobs on the carpet. Cooking stuff was everywhere. Then I found the cat. There was LIPSTICK on the cat. And other makeup. And the dog (a poodle) had something in his "hair" on top of his head. I come to find out it was styling gel, and she was trying to make a mohawk on the dog. Ahem.

Is this years of repressed feminity? Part of me laughs out loud (the lipstick on the cat was especially hilarious) and part of me wonders ...

Safety folder

It's been a while since I blogged. This is partly due to logistics (taking daughter to camp, work, etc.) I've also spent a lot of time working on our safety binder -- in case anyone calls DCFS on us. Scary stuff, I want to tell you. As we get closer to school, I get more and more nervous. Last night, some girls rode by on their bikes when the kids were in the pool. Jessica had her bathing suit on. One hollered something about, "It's a girl!" Normally, I wouldn't give it a second thought. But I didn't know this girl, who had to have been in at least sixth grade. So I began to wonder -- has the word gotten out? It is very scary.

On the good side, I've gotten over my phobia of buying girls clothes for my boy. I am really starting to think of her as a girl. Anyhow, I had some fun at Gymboree (one of my favorites). Check out her back-to-school outfits!