TBT to Jessica's transition

TBT to when Jessica transitioned. The whole Bruce Jenner thing has made me remember. As a reminder, she transitioned between kindergarten and first grade. When we went to school to meet with the principal before the school year started, Jess saw her wonderful kindergarten teacher, and she (Jess) ran and hid in our car, embarrassed that her teacher would see her as a girl. Shortly thereafter, I received this wonderful note from her young teacher -- Jess was in her first-ever class -- that let me know there are good people everywhere:

Hi,
I know we didn't get too much time to chat today, but I just wanted to tell you a couple things that I have been thinking about. I want to tell you again what a joy it was to have your child in my class last year. I got to know Jake over the course of the year and just adored him. He had such a warm and kind heart towards others, was always willing to help, consistently set good examples for others and always had the biggest smile. He was just a delight to be around! What I want to say from all that.... I know Jessica was a little bit shy to see me today, and I just want her to know that I still love her just the same as the student I had last year. I know she has that same big heart and genuine kindness towards others that makes her so special. To me, it does not matter if she lives as Jake or Jessica, I love her just the same. I believe it is the heart inside the person that makes them who they are. Please let her know that I really think she is so special and hope that she still comes to say hello even though she is a big first grader now!

Thanks for letting me be her kindergarten teacher!

Disturbing packages

Disturbing things have been arriving in the mail. 

I shop online. A lot. Because I'm a single mom who works full time at work and then has a second full-time job at home. My days of leisurely strolling around the mall comparing prices carefully is over. Long gone. With the exception of groceries, socks, underwear and some sporting goods, I shop online. 

When I buy things online, they arrive at my home in boxes. This is good and bad. For a long time, my children were oblivious, so I could Christmas shop, and they never noticed the barrage of boxes arriving beginning after Thanksgiving. But now, when I get home from work, they ceremoniously hand me any boxes that have arrived and stand there expectantly, waiting to see what's inside. 

So the other day, I purchased some clothes online for Jess. She needed spring clothes. So I purchased shorts. I also purchased a couple of outdoor tables. These arrived just as I expected. It was what came with them that was disturbing.

Another word of explanation is needed here. I shop online opportunistically. I may have five minutes while I'm waiting for a conference call at work -- just enough time to go online and put a few items in my cart at whatever store. Then, I return in the evening after the children are sleeping to purchase the items. 

So I ordered Jess two pairs of shorts.Only the disturbing thing was that four came. Apparently, I knew I wanted to order two. So I placed two in the cart. Then, when I went back to order, I evidently placed two more in the cart. Jess ended up with four pairs of grey shorts. They're good shorts, comfy and durable, so okay. No harm, no foul. 

I chalked it up to moving too quickly. Then, today, I came home to find four boxes. Each one of them contained two of the outdoor tables I have been coveting. In this case, I have been coveting these tables for some time, and I've done the online equivalent of mall strolling -- I shopped around online for a good price. They are Polywood. Basically weatherproof and maintenance free. Maintenance free. Two words that make my heart sing. And they're my favorite shade of blue. So I shopped around. And then, apparently, I purchased the two tables I wanted -- at two different stores. Amazon.com and Homedepot.com.

So now, I have four tables (I decided to keep them -- they're quite pretty) and Jess has four pair of shorts, and this much has been confirmed -- I'm officially losing it. 

We're baaaaaack!

"A dream is just a dream.

A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline."

I blogged for a while during my child's journey to be her true self. Now I'm going to set a goal of blogging about my life, just in case I might have something interesting to say. My plan is to blog for three hours a week and my deadline is the end of 2015. So we'll see how I do. 

I've also decided to take my blog public. Why? Bruce Jenner. As the parent of a transgender child, I feel an obligation to talk about what trans means, how it looks, what it feels like. My child does NOT want to be the face of trans kids. She just wants to be a kid. Not a trans kid, but simply a kid. So I've changed her name, and, with her permission, I'll share her story. If Bruce can do it, so can we. Together, we'll move toward understanding and normalization from trans people. 

A little about me. I'm a single mom by choice. I have three amazing children adopted from Guatemala. I'm a slave to the corporate world because I like to:  have a place to live, eat, drive a car and take vacations. But I'm hoping that this corporate gig won't be forever, and that someone will see what a great writer I am on this blog and publish my work, which will become a best seller. So even though I have a goal here, I can still dream. Being a single parent comes with its own challenges, some of which I hope to discuss here. 

I live in a suburb of the greatest city in America (Chicago) with my children, three cats and two dogs. I have a nanny who really runs our household. Our life is not perfect, but we're healthy and happy, and we have each other. 

It's my life, and welcome to it!

Is there a bathroom schedule?

I went to Jess's first-grade orientation tonight. At the end of the teacher's presentations, she took questions. After a while, one of the fathers raised his hand, and asked, "Is there a bathroom schedule?" I could see from the nametag on "his" desk that he had a daughter in the class. The teacher explained that kids could go to the bathroom whenever they want to.

I watched him, and after the presentation, he immediately got up and went to the back of the classroom and was looking at the bathroom. I was almost sick thinking that he was might be worried about his child because of mine.

UPDATE: paranoia strikes again. I sent a note to the teacher, and she said that it wasn't related to us -- that she had a couple of kids in her class with bathroom issues. Ok. Phew.

Paranoia and what really matters

So we got through day one of school with only a little teasing. Four boys who were in Jess's class last school year were laughing on the playground. To be fair to them, it must have been a shock. I know at least two of the four to be good kids.

But I have been feeling a little paranoid. Let me tell you why. First, our neighbor who used to wave to me all the time no longer waves. Ok, whatever. Second, there are supposed to be sixteen people at our bus stop, but there were only two. My children. Is it because people know about us and don't want to be around us?

When I picked up Jess at the bus stop yesterday, I met our really nice neighbor who also has a first-grader (not in Jess's class). They were the first people to invite us to a party here, and they have been really nice. The mom asked me, "How was (male name's) first day?" I blurted out, "(Male name) is Jessica now. She's transgender. It's a medical condition." All of which is true, but when blurted is a lot to take in. My neighbor said, "Oh, well, um, we saw the dress." I said, "I'm happy to explain any of it," but then they walked on by. I was in the car. They were walking. It was cold and windy. So I'm thinking, great. We're now the neighborhood pariahs. Then I remembered. It's not about me.

I have a brave child, who spent her first day "out" to her classmates. At age six. I am awed by her courage and ashamed at my focus on little things and how they reflect upon me. I have decided that, rather than think of myself as the poor outcast in my own neighborhood -- I am going to choose to think of myself as the very proud mom of an extremely brave and articulate girl. I feel lucky and blessed that she is teaching me about acceptance and courage.

I have been sleepless for two nights now. I am so nervous about tomorrow, but really trying not to let my kids see it. Can't eat, either. Just one year ago, I was so nervous -- putting my kids on buses going to new schools in a new state where we knew no one. You may remember we actually moved in on September 13 -- the second week of school. At the time, I was extremely nervous. Not even close to this year. This year, I put my child on a bus to the unknown. To a world that will either embrace her or shun her; support her or attack her; build her self confidence or drive her to suicide. As for me, I think I am going to throw up. Repeatedly.

I wrote her teacher and asked for feedback after the first day. She responded, so that's good. She went to the training, which is also good. So there's that. Wish us luck.

Two more days 'til go live.

We're enjoying a great holiday weekend, and I can't help wondering if these will be our last days of peace. Jess had a bad dream last night, and we went over why it's going to be okay. Only, I don't know how convincing I was.

It's all about makeup

O.M.G. my daughters are obsessed with makeup. Those of you who know me know that I am not now, nor have I ever been a makeup fiend. A little mascara, a little lipstick (and some big-time under-eye concealer) -- yes. My soon-to-be teenager has been obsessed with makeup from her first days. I am told that, in Guatemala, Alejandra would put on her birthmother's makeup then hide under her bed, so her birthmother couldn't see. On her first day of school in the U.S., I put her in the car an adorable first grader, and I didn't realize that she had makeup in her cute pink handbag. By the time we arrived at school, she was a hussy in full makeup. Ahem. See the "before" picture below.

Then there's Jessica. Now that the girl in her has been unleashed, she has makeup. The dogs have makeup. The cat has makeup. I came home from work to find nanny done up with blue eyeshadow curling up the side of her face a la Cleopatra. It went well with her Snoopy T-shirt. As soon as I get in the door, I am made over. You will note in her book that she mentioned wanting to sell all her boy toys at a garage sale and buy a makeup kit. Oy.

Tonight, we are having -- what else? A makeupfest. I guess there are worse things they could do. I will post some pix later.

Great story on ABC news about a 10-year-old transgender girl

For me, this was timely and poignant.

http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/video/jackie-transgender-kids-gender-identification-primetime-nightline-14425323

In her own words -- my daughter's story

Our great therapist has been working with Jessica to write her own story in her own words. Here it is:

Title: This is How I Feel about Me

By: Jessica (In her EXACT words)

When I was born, I felt I was a girl, and when I was a little bit older, I got some girl toys.

I was adopted, and my adopted mom knew what I was going through.

She said my birth mom was very sad to let me go.

When my mom tells me that my birth mom was very sad to give me up for adoption, I feel sad.

Sometimes when I feel sad, my mom tells me I don't have to be afraid to wear girls' clothes in public. That makes me feel a little bit better.

My mom adopted other kids. First, she adopted my brother. Then she adopted me. Then she adopted my sister (she was a little bit older, and she loved me for who I am.)

When I got a little bit older, I started to put makeup on. I want to grow my hair out like a girl's hair. I want to take all my boy toys to a garage sale, and I want to get my own makeup kit.

Sometimes with out permission, I take some of my mom's makeup. When I come out, I don't look like a clown, and my mom notices that I have some of her lipstick on, and she laughs.

I don't have that much jewelry. Sometimes I ask my mom for some jewelry. Sometimes I get too crazy! Sometimes I flick my hair like a girl's hair.

I watch a lot of girl movies and TV shows and sometimes, in my imagination, I don't be boys a lot. I am a girl in my imagination a lot.

Sometimes, I go in my sister's room to get something for her and sometimes I look at all her stuff.

My sister has a rare doll. Her doll was built a long time ago. Now they don't make her anymore, and I feel kind of sad for that doll, because she can't have friends just like herself.

When I go to first grade, I wish that I can wear girl clothes. I hope the people at school will know who I am. I hope that nobody makes fun of me.

I hope my first grade teacher will remember who I am. Sometimes, I am scared that my first grade teacher won't know who I am and won't remember that I was a kindergartener who visited her class.

I hope that I will still have friends, and I hope that my friends won't laugh at me.

The end.

The In-Service

On Sunday night, Kim Pearson, president of Trans Youth Family Allies, arrived at our house. Outspoken and funny, Kim decided to stay with us to save money for TYFA. For me, it was a milestone -- it was the first other parent of a transgender child I have met. I got to ask a lot of questions, and Kim was frank and honest in her answers. Her son, Sean, is transgender. She's well integrated into the trans community and talked to me about resources. Importantly, she didn't bat an eye at Jessica.

She had one-on-one talks with all three kids. She was shut upstairs with Rosi for about two hours. Afterwards, Alejandra said, "Talking with Miss Kim was better than talking to my therapist. She really understands transgender kids and what their families are going through." That right there made it all worth it.

On Monday, I took Kim to Jess and Finn's school for the in-service. In attendance was Finn's teacher, Jess's teacher, Jess's old teacher from kindergarten, the nurse, the counselor and two teachers from Ale's school. There were more, but I didn't know them. The session was an hour and a half. I couldn't attend, because they want the participants to be able to speak freely.

After the session, while I was waiting for Kim, Jess's kindergarten teacher came over to the car. Jess ran to hide in the back of the van -- the first time I had seen her embarrassed. But the teacher sent the greatest note. Here is what she wrote.

Hi,
I know we didnt get too much time to chat today, but I just wanted to tell you a couple things that I have been thinking about. I want to tell you again what a joy it was to have your child in my class last year. I got to know (male name) over the course of the year and just adored him. He had such a warm and kind heart towards others, was always willing to help, consistently set good examples for others and always had the biggest smile. He was just a delight to be around! What I want to say from all that.... I know Jessica was a little bit shy to see me today, and I just want her to know that I still love her just the same as the student I had last year. I know she has that same big heart and genuine kindness towards others that makes her so special. To me, it does not matter if she lives as (male name) or Jessica, I love her just the same. I believe it is the heart inside the person that makes them who they are. Please let her know that I really think she is so special and hope that she still comes to say hello even though she is a big first grader now!

Thanks for letting me be her kindergarten teacher!
Wasn't that sweet?

After the session, Kim said, "You won't have any trouble." She said she can tell when schools aren't accepting or ready, but she felt our school was engaged and supportive. We will see ...

It's really happening ...

I spoke to Kim Pearson today -- she's the president of Trans Youth Family Allies. She's coming on Sunday to stay with us for the night. Monday is the in-service at Jess's school. That makes it real.

One week and three days until I have to put my six year old on the bus to face the world without me.

Stress.....

Sticks and stones

Things have been lining up with our in-service at school next week to help Jessica's teacher's understand her medical condition. Alejandra and Jess visited the therapist last week, and the therapist said she didn't think she needed to see Alejandra any more. So I exhaled.

A little too soon. Jess told me today that Finn said to her that he is my prince and Ale is my princess, but she (Jessica) is nothing. Jess also said that both of her siblings had been calling her a boy. I sat both Finn and Alejandra down (again) and said that hurtful words would not be tolerated.

I said, "Jessica is going through a tough time." Ale's response -- "what about ME?" (Now, mind you, she and I have had lengthy discussions about how I was aware that this was affecting her, and that we had to have open dialogue about our situation. We talked at great length about what being transgender means, and how it's not something you can change. We talked about acceptance and prejudice. Not just once -- many, many times.) But this time, I had caught her doing something she wasn't supposed to do -- cutting Jess down. Something I had long suspected she has been doing behind my back. Jess idolizes her, and she looks for every opportunity to put Jessica down. I said, "it's not always about you -- growing up means learning to think beyond how things affect you."

Alejandra lost it.

"She's a boy!" she screamed at me. I sent her to her room to cool off, and she said, "I'll stay in my room FOREVER, because I don't want to live in the house with her."

Alrighty then. Holding my breath again.

Back to school means something so different this year ...

In the past, back-to-school season meant new clothes for the kids, stacks of paperwork for me and a feeling of excitement. This year, it's a feeling of dread. Like a shadow on the horizon, it keeps getting darker and closer. Each night, I hold my daughter a little tighter -- knowing what's coming. Praying that the world will love her for who she is.

Step one will be next Monday when we have the school in service. I can't go -- they want participants to be able to speak freely. But I'm going to know they're all in the school -- all talking about us. Judging my baby. Judging our family. I makes me sick to my stomach, but I try not to show it to the kids.

On the bright side, it's happening on my sister's birthday. I know she will be watching over us, and I don't think it's an accident that date was chosen.

In the middle of all this, we found Finn's birthmother and  birth family. By accident, really. But it's been something I've wanted for him for years. Both Ale and Jess have blood relatives they know of. Not Finn. So by using a little cyberdetective work, I found Finn's birthmother. I am so happy for him and for her -- I feel like I have done my job as an adoptive parent to make that connection. But the emotional roller-coaster ride just took a few more steep dips and turns that I didn't need just now.

Please send us good thoughts in the coming weeks. Pray that everything goes smoothly and that my daughter's heart isn't hurt.

Who will be our friends?

As my family settles into the new normal, I've started to think about what I tell -- and to whom. We are really hurting financially, and I want to get a nanny share to help offset some of the finances. But then I think -- what if people are interested? Do I tell them about Jessica? Will they be comfortable in a home where there is a transgender child?

And we're still new in this state. If we had lived here a while and had friends, people would have known we're a good family and, I believe, accepted Jessica for who she truly is. But we've only been here a year, and now I worry that we're going to be "that family." The one you talk about -- but not to.

I'm hoping there will be some people who will be able to see through the labels and like us for who we are.

Moving from "he" to "she" and from "Jake" to "Jessica"

When my daughter Alejandra came home from camp, she illustrated how far we have come in just one month. Finn and I had really moved on to calling Jake Jessica -- and to using the feminine pronouns. "Mom, she hit me!" instead of "Mom, he hit me!"  It's a step in the right direction.

But when Ale came home, she still refers to Jessica as Jake (which is really sounding strange to me now). She also calls her "him." When we left Ale, Jess was just beginning her transition. Having Alejandra home was like looking at a photo of us a month ago -- when Jess was still Jake.

It's nice to see we're making progress, and Ale is coming up the curve quickly. One step at a time ...

How many kids out there don't fit the gender stereotype?

I am hearing from so many friends whose children don't fit with the gender norms. Either they're effeminate boys or tomboys. I used to think we were the anomaly. Now, not so much ...

I want to kill myself ...

this is what Jessica told me last night. After several conversations with doctor and therapist, I am convinced that it's all part of testing new boundaries. She and I had had a conversation about what suicide is after we saw a program about transgender children that mentioned high suicide rates. I told her that the great thing is that we will never have to worry about suicide, because we always have each other to talk to.

So last night, after not getting something that she wanted, she threw a fit. I didn't give in, so she thought up the worst thing she could think of -- threatening to kill herself. I didn't care if it was all for show -- I took it seriously. I called the ped and the therapist. And they both convinced me that this is in line with other new behaviors she is showing. I liken them to PMS -- one minute she's sweet, the next minute she's snarling. She had our wonderful nanny in tears the other day -- screaming at her to go back to the Dominican Republic.

Thank God for good counselors, because I am learning this is par for the course. Wish us luck -- it's a bumpy ride that's getting bumpier all the time.

E-mails from transgender people -- and a look at my own prejudices.

I found a couple of online support groups for transgendered people. One is a locally based group. As an aside, the security required to join these groups is intense. I know there is a reason for it, and the reason scares me. I have this feeling I just don't know what we're in for.

But that said, some of the most supportive e-mails I've gotten have been from transgender people. Especially the male-to-female. One said to me that she wishes that her mom had listened to her when she was younger. And more than one has said that they knew from the time they were three or four that they were transgenedered. In general, they have been supportive and extremely kind. The funny thing is that I don't think I would have given any one of them more than an eye roll if I had met them six months ago. And I feel ashamed of that. I stereotyped transgendered people in the way that my parents stereotyped races. Six months ago, I would have told you that I wasn't prejudiced. Looking back I know I was.

God doesn't make mistakes

This is what one of Jess's friend's moms told me when I told her that Jessica feels like a girl trapped in a boy's body. What she implied is that God would never have made Jessica a boy if she were supposed to be a girl. I look at it a different way. I believe God made Jess transgender on purpose. What do you think?

Naughtiness

So for about three weeks, we've had this problem with unusual naughtiness. Instead of being her normal, impish, funny self (with occasional naughtiness), she almost can't stop being naughty. As an example, I had to work last weekend, and I let the kids play wii downstairs while I worked upstairs. When I came downstairs, Jessica had mixed a concoction of onion pieces (I had chopped and left on the chopping board) and steak sauce. It was on the furniture and big blobs on the carpet. Cooking stuff was everywhere. Then I found the cat. There was LIPSTICK on the cat. And other makeup. And the dog (a poodle) had something in his "hair" on top of his head. I come to find out it was styling gel, and she was trying to make a mohawk on the dog. Ahem.

Is this years of repressed feminity? Part of me laughs out loud (the lipstick on the cat was especially hilarious) and part of me wonders ...

Safety folder

It's been a while since I blogged. This is partly due to logistics (taking daughter to camp, work, etc.) I've also spent a lot of time working on our safety binder -- in case anyone calls DCFS on us. Scary stuff, I want to tell you. As we get closer to school, I get more and more nervous. Last night, some girls rode by on their bikes when the kids were in the pool. Jessica had her bathing suit on. One hollered something about, "It's a girl!" Normally, I wouldn't give it a second thought. But I didn't know this girl, who had to have been in at least sixth grade. So I began to wonder -- has the word gotten out? It is very scary.

On the good side, I've gotten over my phobia of buying girls clothes for my boy. I am really starting to think of her as a girl. Anyhow, I had some fun at Gymboree (one of my favorites). Check out her back-to-school outfits!

Check out this great MSN video: Meet Brock: 'Toddlers and Tiaras' Self-Confessed 'Diva'

Check out this great MSN video: Meet Brock: 'Toddlers and Tiaras' Self-Confessed 'Diva'

To wig or not to wig? That is the question ...

Before, Jess needed her wig to feel comfortable going out in public in girls clothes. Not any more. Maybe it is because her ears are pierced. I'm not sure. But we had company this weekend, and she didn't wear her wig at all. So either she's getting more comfortable in girls' clothes, or the wig was too hot (it was a scorcher this weekend) or her pierced ears make her feel more girly.

Here's a pic from the 4th.

If you look hard, you can see the pierced ears -- I'll try to post another photo. But she's wearing her favorite summer dress.

Good article and blogs

A great article from the NY Times.

Here's a good blog by another mom like me.

Another amazing blog.

Pierced ears!

Caley is distressed that her hair is so short, so last night to make her feel more like a girl, she got her wish of pierced ears. It's so funny to watch her. She would flick her imaginary long hair over her shoulder and gaze in the mirror at the cubic zirconia dazzlers in her ears. It was a good night!

I can't dress my boys alike any more

Sometimes I think it will be fun to have another little girl to dress up. I love to braid hair (although her current buzz cut is un-braidable) and girls' clothes are so cute. On the flip side, there's a certain sense of loss. I loved to dress my boys up in matching outfits. It was so cute. And I won't be able to do that any more. So there's a certain sense of loss for my little boy.

Spoke with the elementary school principal today

I had a chance to speak with the elementary school principal today. The good news is that she already embraces Caley and calls her "her." She said that she spent some time on the TYFA website, which I really appreciate. The bad news is that she is heading to Europe for a month tomorrow morning, and I don't think I had her full attention, but I completely don't blame her -- I wouldn't be able to concentrate the day before a big trip like that, either. She also didn't think the in-service would be a good idea, which disappointed me, but I haven't given up yet.

One thing she said that I thought was interesting, but not surprising, was that she didn't think there would be any problems with the faculty or students, but the parents would likely be a problem if there is one. She said she knows the parents, and we live in a very conservative area. Again, not a surprise.

The other good news is that she asked me to reach out to the school superintendent and the assistant superintendent, so that they are aware. I sent them an email today, and hope to talk with them in the near future. So we'll see ...

Is this really the right thing?

Most of the time, I know I'm doing the right thing for my child. She's happier than I've ever seen her. Yesterday, she wore her wig to the beach, and we put pigtails in it. She was comfortable wearing her girl's bathing suit, and seeing her dash in and out of the water with wet pigtails made it seem like all was right with the world.

Then, when we came home, we had the discussion about the movies. As you know, there are several movies coming out this summer. Each child has a passion for one of them. Since I can't afford to take three children to three movies, I told them they could each see one. Jackson's choice was a no brainer -- Transformers Dark of the Moon. Going off on a tangent here: Oh, if I could only find someone to take him. He is passionate about these things, and I absolutely detest the first two movies. They are painful. And yet, I want to share time with him, so I will go. The sacrifices we parents make! I think I will bring a book and a flashlight! Ok, I'm back. Thanks for letting me vent.

Up until yesterday, Rosi said she wanted to see the Selena Gomez movie, Monte Carlo. Now Caley LOVES Selena Gomez and Wizards of Waverly Place. But she also loves Rosi. So when Rosi said she chooses the Harry Potter movie, Caley was crestfallen. Rosi had originally said she wanted to see Monte Carlo. It's just one example of how Caley idolizes Rosi. Literally follows her around. Rosi can ask Caley to clean Rosi's shoes or do Rosi's chores, and Caley would do them in a second -- that's how much she loves Rosi (note: we have had several conversations about why we do not take advantage of our siblings and how sibling does not equal minion). So when Rosi chose a movie that was different from the one she wanted to see, Caley even talked about going to see Harry Potter, which I know she really doesn't like -- just to be with Rosi.

So this made me think -- is there ANY WAY that Caley's wanting to be a girl is to be closer to Rosi? Add this to the list of other questions -- is it because I'm a single mom? Is it because she doesn't have a strong male role model?

Most of the time, I don't worry about these things, because I am certain that inside, Cole is really Caley. But there are these moments of doubt. How horrible would it be if she just wanted to be more like her sister, and I didn't recognize it? What kind of damage would I be doing?

I see this blog as my journal of sorts -- a place to write about my ups and downs. And there are plenty.

Successful play date!

One of the two moms who I called asked to do a play date on Saturday. They came to our house first. The little girl is one of two of Caley's classmates who she told that she wanted to be a girl during the school year. After they played here a while, they invited us to their house -- with a private beach. Caley can't swim with her wig, and without her wig, she wasn't comfortable wearing girls clothes. So she put on her boys' suit and jumped right in. They had a blast. I will be forever grateful to this family for accepting us. Phew! Here are some pix:

Caley goes for a tube ride.

A perfect day at a beautiful lake!

More pix!

Still more ...

Some more videos

Told two of Caley's friends' moms.

So Caley wants to have play dates. So tonight on the way home from work, I called two of her friends' moms and told them about it. We'll see if they still want to have play dates. I hope so ...

Sent an email to the school

I finally heard from Caley's school principal. We've set up time to talk on Monday. In the meantime, I gave her an email head's up on the topic. So nervous ...

Safe folder

So you have to put together a safe folder of informational documents to keep just in case the Department of Children and Family Services shows up at your door. Apparently, well intentioned people have been known to call DCFS to accuse parents of transgender children of child abuse. My friends in the adoption circle will understand how oppressive it is when I say it feels like I have to put together another dossier. They even ask for a home study -- two words that I thought I would never hear again. Ugh.

First mistake of what I'm sure will be many.

So I just talked to the intake coordinator at TYFA -- trans youth family alliance, I think. Anyhow, it's the best organization I've found. I was telling her about how I told the wig people that Cole is transgendered. So she said, "it's a medical condition, and you wouldn't tell a stranger about your child's medical condition if it were anything else, would you?" Um, no. Oops. She suggested that I could have said my little boy likes to play with wigs, or something like that. Plus I gave them my address at that store. Now I am freaked out, because the intake coordinator said that rarely, people will call Child Protective Services on parents who let their children transition. Yikes and shit (pardon my French). I guess I just assume it's best to be open with people. I'm learning that that is not the case. Sigh.

A low and a high and some pix

Okay, so when we got Caley's wig, I admit I had some splainin to do. You can't just walk into a wig shop, ask for a wig for a little boy and expect to not raise an eyebrow. So I thought about what to do. Do I tell the kids to wait in the car, go in first and explain it? I decided to take him right in with me. I said, "my son is transgendered" in front of everyone there like I had said it all my life. The wig shop people sold us a wig, but clearly, they were "wigged out." Plus add to that the fact that Jackson (who HATES dolls of any kind) was totally weirded out by the fake heads with wigs on them, and this was my low.  I did it because I had to, but I don't like the feeling of Caley being out there -- exposed for other people to have opinions about him/her. I am getting a big dose of how moms of disabled kids might feel. It's sure changing my outlook on the world, so that's a positive.

The high came when I was at work today (yes, Sunday). Thanks to ATT, my DSL wasn't working, so I had to drive the half hour into the office to get some work done. While there, I received a call that I would have otherwise missed from the intake coordinator at Trans Youth Family Allies -- the organization from which I've gotten the best information. First of all, when I spoke to the woman, Carol, she didn't go, "Oh, my god!" when I told her about Caley. That in and of itself was refreshing. When I told her where we were in the process, she mentioned that the president of their organization was going to be in MI doing "in services" -- where they talk to school boards about trans students -- the last week in August. When I told her Caley went to kindergarten as Cole and will now be going to first grade as Caley, she explained that they could do a whole in-service for us. I have help! I am not alone! There are other kids in MI like Caley! Woohoo! Better yet, she said kids who transition this young don't usually need therapy for long -- and it's funny, because that's kind of how I've been feeling. I want to offer it, but I really feel like Caley's just a normal girl who happens to have been born in a boy's body. But again, some positive info.

And then I heard from my friend Liz that there was a posting on the Big List (you guatemamas will know the Big List -- a list serve for Guatemalan adoptive families) who has a child with gender identity disorder who was adopted from Guate. What? I thought surely we'd be the only ones. I sent an email to the poster -- don't know if I'll ever hear from her, but at least again, I don't feel so alone.

Now posting some pix of the infamous wig. We have since cut the bangs. I think we're all looking forward to the time when it will be her own beautiful hair again, but for now, it makes her happy -- and that's what it's all about! So ... introducing Caley!

This is her favorite dress -- also note the wig and the girl shoes -- all additions from this weekend.

This struck me as such a girly pose!

At my office today -- she got tired of the wig, so made a crown. If you look closely on the wall of my cube next to the hanger, you will see the wig!

Pure Caley!

Caley and the wig

Cole has chosen a female name -- Caley. It's pronounced like Kay-lee. The turning point for him to want a "girl name" was on Saturday when I bought him a wig. He had some girl clothes, but was hesitant to wear them outside of the house. He has a buzz cut that does not look at all girlish. He asked for a wig, so we went out and bought him one. Stopping here to say OMG -- do you have any idea how much wigs cost? Hoo-boy. So we got a fairly decent looking one for just under $200. As soon as we got it, he put it on and will not take it off -- he now feels okay to wear his girl clothes outside. He wanted to go get girl shoes immediately. So now the picture is complete -- girl clothes, girl hair, girl shoes and girl name. He couldn't be happier. I'm still a little dazed by the whole thing. The great thing has been that the people I have told have been really supportive. I'll post some pix when my internet service is back up.

When I'm a girl ...

Cole has started to talk openly about his future as a girl. We were talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up, and he mentioned a few possible careers and then added -- and I'll be a girl then, too! I still refer to him as him and I can't see that changing for a while. Sometimes I feel fully on board and sometimes I wonder if I will truly be able to be the support he needs. I'm looking for that manual that he came with, but I just can't seem to find it ...

Mom, I need to talk to my psychaitrist

So last night we were talking about Cole's extreme fear of tornados. Whenever the wind rustles the leaves in trees, he runs inside -- afraid a twister is coming. He is constantly watching the clouds to see if they look the least little bit grey (in MI, that's most of the time). For him, grey clouds = tornado. He is SO afraid of tornados, despite understanding what warnings and watches are. All that Joplin stuff freaked him out. So he told me, "Mom, I think I need to talk to my psychaitrist about tornados."

Well, okay then. Who's the mom here anyway? He is precocious and smart beyond his years. If you could just hear him come up with this stuff in his tiny, squeaky voice. It's hard not to smile (even though I know he's deadly serious)!

Wearing girls' clothes

Cole has slipped easily into wearing girls' clothes at home. He was happily wearing an old tankini of Rosi's today as they went for a dip in our wading pool. But he draws the line at going out of the house in them. Once again, my child knows exactly what he is and is not comfortable with.

We went to Wal-Mart, and he changed into his "boys clothes" for the trip. Sometimes, he will wear a girl shirt with a jacket over it, so people can't see.

He told me he'll feel more comfortable when his hair is longer. I can't say I blame him, as right now, he has a buzz cut.

Baby steps.

Cole dancing

Cole at about age 2 with his first love, Cinderella

He loved all the princesses -- in fact, he had princess face paint!

He was too nervous to talk to her at the character breakfast!

The one souvenir he wanted from Disney -- a princess hat. Here he is after the looooooong car ride home -- asleep with his treasure!

He can barely find words to speak!

Playing dress up with his Ariel costume.

His first time out in public dressed as a girl -- Halloween as Ariel.

His third birthday -- note Ariel wrapping paper!

The Ariel costume.

In Guatemala -- that smile will melt your heart!

The princess cash register he wanted for Christmas when he was three.

Pure Cole -- he took this himself!

With his beloved teacher, Ms. Fischhoff

He even wants to wear pink sparkles when he's hurt (note bandage).

Soccer boy

He convinced Jackson to try on some of my lipstick -- clearly, he has better technique than his brother.

Couldn't find him one night and, after a few minutes of panic, found him sleeping under my bed. 

With a mud beauty mask!

Fourth birthday -- note Ariel paper!

His prize gift -- a Wizard of Waverly Place Alex Wand

Christmas magic

My baseball boy

Getting fairy dust sprinkled on him at Disney -- second visit.

He really wanted a princess hat. 

He will tell you this was the best day of his life. Meeting Ariel -- Disney visit #2.

When they ran out of things to do in our apartment at the hotel when we moved to Kzoo!

At hip hop recital.

With Wrigley, who is most often found growling at him.

Trying on Cristina's wig.

Trying on Cristina's wig