I went to Jess's first-grade orientation tonight. At the end of the teacher's presentations, she took questions. After a while, one of the fathers raised his hand, and asked, "Is there a bathroom schedule?" I could see from the nametag on "his" desk that he had a daughter in the class. The teacher explained that kids could go to the bathroom whenever they want to.
I watched him, and after the presentation, he immediately got up and went to the back of the classroom and was looking at the bathroom. I was almost sick thinking that he was might be worried about his child because of mine.
UPDATE: paranoia strikes again. I sent a note to the teacher, and she said that it wasn't related to us -- that she had a couple of kids in her class with bathroom issues. Ok. Phew.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Paranoia and what really matters
So we got through day one of school with only a little teasing. Four boys who were in Jess's class last school year were laughing on the playground. To be fair to them, it must have been a shock. I know at least two of the four to be good kids.
But I have been feeling a little paranoid. Let me tell you why. First, our neighbor who used to wave to me all the time no longer waves. Ok, whatever. Second, there are supposed to be sixteen people at our bus stop, but there were only two. My children. Is it because people know about us and don't want to be around us?
When I picked up Jess at the bus stop yesterday, I met our really nice neighbor who also has a first-grader (not in Jess's class). They were the first people to invite us to a party here, and they have been really nice. The mom asked me, "How was (male name's) first day?" I blurted out, "(Male name) is Jessica now. She's transgender. It's a medical condition." All of which is true, but when blurted is a lot to take in. My neighbor said, "Oh, well, um, we saw the dress." I said, "I'm happy to explain any of it," but then they walked on by. I was in the car. They were walking. It was cold and windy. So I'm thinking, great. We're now the neighborhood pariahs. Then I remembered. It's not about me.
I have a brave child, who spent her first day "out" to her classmates. At age six. I am awed by her courage and ashamed at my focus on little things and how they reflect upon me. I have decided that, rather than think of myself as the poor outcast in my own neighborhood -- I am going to choose to think of myself as the very proud mom of an extremely brave and articulate girl. I feel lucky and blessed that she is teaching me about acceptance and courage.
But I have been feeling a little paranoid. Let me tell you why. First, our neighbor who used to wave to me all the time no longer waves. Ok, whatever. Second, there are supposed to be sixteen people at our bus stop, but there were only two. My children. Is it because people know about us and don't want to be around us?
When I picked up Jess at the bus stop yesterday, I met our really nice neighbor who also has a first-grader (not in Jess's class). They were the first people to invite us to a party here, and they have been really nice. The mom asked me, "How was (male name's) first day?" I blurted out, "(Male name) is Jessica now. She's transgender. It's a medical condition." All of which is true, but when blurted is a lot to take in. My neighbor said, "Oh, well, um, we saw the dress." I said, "I'm happy to explain any of it," but then they walked on by. I was in the car. They were walking. It was cold and windy. So I'm thinking, great. We're now the neighborhood pariahs. Then I remembered. It's not about me.
I have a brave child, who spent her first day "out" to her classmates. At age six. I am awed by her courage and ashamed at my focus on little things and how they reflect upon me. I have decided that, rather than think of myself as the poor outcast in my own neighborhood -- I am going to choose to think of myself as the very proud mom of an extremely brave and articulate girl. I feel lucky and blessed that she is teaching me about acceptance and courage.
Monday, September 5, 2011
I have been sleepless for two nights now. I am so nervous about tomorrow, but really trying not to let my kids see it. Can't eat, either. Just one year ago, I was so nervous -- putting my kids on buses going to new schools in a new state where we knew no one. You may remember we actually moved in on September 13 -- the second week of school. At the time, I was extremely nervous. Not even close to this year. This year, I put my child on a bus to the unknown. To a world that will either embrace her or shun her; support her or attack her; build her self confidence or drive her to suicide. As for me, I think I am going to throw up. Repeatedly.
I wrote her teacher and asked for feedback after the first day. She responded, so that's good. She went to the training, which is also good. So there's that. Wish us luck.
I wrote her teacher and asked for feedback after the first day. She responded, so that's good. She went to the training, which is also good. So there's that. Wish us luck.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Two more days 'til go live.
We're enjoying a great holiday weekend, and I can't help wondering if these will be our last days of peace. Jess had a bad dream last night, and we went over why it's going to be okay. Only, I don't know how convincing I was.
Friday, September 2, 2011
It's all about makeup
O.M.G. my daughters are obsessed with makeup. Those of you who know me know that I am not now, nor have I ever been a makeup fiend. A little mascara, a little lipstick (and some big-time under-eye concealer) -- yes. My soon-to-be teenager has been obsessed with makeup from her first days. I am told that, in Guatemala, Alejandra would put on her birthmother's makeup then hide under her bed, so her birthmother couldn't see. On her first day of school in the U.S., I put her in the car an adorable first grader, and I didn't realize that she had makeup in her cute pink handbag. By the time we arrived at school, she was a hussy in full makeup. Ahem. See the "before" picture below.
Then there's Jessica. Now that the girl in her has been unleashed, she has makeup. The dogs have makeup. The cat has makeup. I came home from work to find nanny done up with blue eyeshadow curling up the side of her face a la Cleopatra. It went well with her Snoopy T-shirt. As soon as I get in the door, I am made over. You will note in her book that she mentioned wanting to sell all her boy toys at a garage sale and buy a makeup kit. Oy.
Tonight, we are having -- what else? A makeupfest. I guess there are worse things they could do. I will post some pix later.
Then there's Jessica. Now that the girl in her has been unleashed, she has makeup. The dogs have makeup. The cat has makeup. I came home from work to find nanny done up with blue eyeshadow curling up the side of her face a la Cleopatra. It went well with her Snoopy T-shirt. As soon as I get in the door, I am made over. You will note in her book that she mentioned wanting to sell all her boy toys at a garage sale and buy a makeup kit. Oy.
Tonight, we are having -- what else? A makeupfest. I guess there are worse things they could do. I will post some pix later.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
In her own words -- my daughter's story
Our great therapist has been working with Jessica to write her own story in her own words. Here it is:
Title: This is How I Feel about Me
By: Jessica (In her EXACT words)
When I was born, I felt I was a girl, and when I was a little bit older, I got some girl toys.
I was adopted, and my adopted mom knew what I was going through.
She said my birth mom was very sad to let me go.
When my mom tells me that my birth mom was very sad to give me up for adoption, I feel sad.
Sometimes when I feel sad, my mom tells me I don't have to be afraid to wear girls' clothes in public. That makes me feel a little bit better.
My mom adopted other kids. First, she adopted my brother. Then she adopted me. Then she adopted my sister (she was a little bit older, and she loved me for who I am.)
When I got a little bit older, I started to put makeup on. I want to grow my hair out like a girl's hair. I want to take all my boy toys to a garage sale, and I want to get my own makeup kit.
Sometimes with out permission, I take some of my mom's makeup. When I come out, I don't look like a clown, and my mom notices that I have some of her lipstick on, and she laughs.
I don't have that much jewelry. Sometimes I ask my mom for some jewelry. Sometimes I get too crazy! Sometimes I flick my hair like a girl's hair.
I watch a lot of girl movies and TV shows and sometimes, in my imagination, I don't be boys a lot. I am a girl in my imagination a lot.
Sometimes, I go in my sister's room to get something for her and sometimes I look at all her stuff.
My sister has a rare doll. Her doll was built a long time ago. Now they don't make her anymore, and I feel kind of sad for that doll, because she can't have friends just like herself.
When I go to first grade, I wish that I can wear girl clothes. I hope the people at school will know who I am. I hope that nobody makes fun of me.
I hope my first grade teacher will remember who I am. Sometimes, I am scared that my first grade teacher won't know who I am and won't remember that I was a kindergartener who visited her class.
I hope that I will still have friends, and I hope that my friends won't laugh at me.
The end.
Title: This is How I Feel about Me
By: Jessica (In her EXACT words)
When I was born, I felt I was a girl, and when I was a little bit older, I got some girl toys.
I was adopted, and my adopted mom knew what I was going through.
She said my birth mom was very sad to let me go.
When my mom tells me that my birth mom was very sad to give me up for adoption, I feel sad.
Sometimes when I feel sad, my mom tells me I don't have to be afraid to wear girls' clothes in public. That makes me feel a little bit better.
My mom adopted other kids. First, she adopted my brother. Then she adopted me. Then she adopted my sister (she was a little bit older, and she loved me for who I am.)
When I got a little bit older, I started to put makeup on. I want to grow my hair out like a girl's hair. I want to take all my boy toys to a garage sale, and I want to get my own makeup kit.
Sometimes with out permission, I take some of my mom's makeup. When I come out, I don't look like a clown, and my mom notices that I have some of her lipstick on, and she laughs.
I don't have that much jewelry. Sometimes I ask my mom for some jewelry. Sometimes I get too crazy! Sometimes I flick my hair like a girl's hair.
I watch a lot of girl movies and TV shows and sometimes, in my imagination, I don't be boys a lot. I am a girl in my imagination a lot.
Sometimes, I go in my sister's room to get something for her and sometimes I look at all her stuff.
My sister has a rare doll. Her doll was built a long time ago. Now they don't make her anymore, and I feel kind of sad for that doll, because she can't have friends just like herself.
When I go to first grade, I wish that I can wear girl clothes. I hope the people at school will know who I am. I hope that nobody makes fun of me.
I hope my first grade teacher will remember who I am. Sometimes, I am scared that my first grade teacher won't know who I am and won't remember that I was a kindergartener who visited her class.
I hope that I will still have friends, and I hope that my friends won't laugh at me.
The end.
The In-Service
On Sunday night, Kim Pearson, president of Trans Youth Family Allies, arrived at our house. Outspoken and funny, Kim decided to stay with us to save money for TYFA. For me, it was a milestone -- it was the first other parent of a transgender child I have met. I got to ask a lot of questions, and Kim was frank and honest in her answers. Her son, Sean, is transgender. She's well integrated into the trans community and talked to me about resources. Importantly, she didn't bat an eye at Jessica.
She had one-on-one talks with all three kids. She was shut upstairs with Rosi for about two hours. Afterwards, Alejandra said, "Talking with Miss Kim was better than talking to my therapist. She really understands transgender kids and what their families are going through." That right there made it all worth it.
On Monday, I took Kim to Jess and Finn's school for the in-service. In attendance was Finn's teacher, Jess's teacher, Jess's old teacher from kindergarten, the nurse, the counselor and two teachers from Ale's school. There were more, but I didn't know them. The session was an hour and a half. I couldn't attend, because they want the participants to be able to speak freely.
After the session, while I was waiting for Kim, Jess's kindergarten teacher came over to the car. Jess ran to hide in the back of the van -- the first time I had seen her embarrassed. But the teacher sent the greatest note. Here is what she wrote.
Hi,
I know we didnt get too much time to chat today, but I just wanted to tell you a couple things that I have been thinking about. I want to tell you again what a joy it was to have your child in my class last year. I got to know (male name) over the course of the year and just adored him. He had such a warm and kind heart towards others, was always willing to help, consistently set good examples for others and always had the biggest smile. He was just a delight to be around! What I want to say from all that.... I know Jessica was a little bit shy to see me today, and I just want her to know that I still love her just the same as the student I had last year. I know she has that same big heart and genuine kindness towards others that makes her so special. To me, it does not matter if she lives as (male name) or Jessica, I love her just the same. I believe it is the heart inside the person that makes them who they are. Please let her know that I really think she is so special and hope that she still comes to say hello even though she is a big first grader now!
Thanks for letting me be her kindergarten teacher!
Wasn't that sweet?
After the session, Kim said, "You won't have any trouble." She said she can tell when schools aren't accepting or ready, but she felt our school was engaged and supportive. We will see ...
She had one-on-one talks with all three kids. She was shut upstairs with Rosi for about two hours. Afterwards, Alejandra said, "Talking with Miss Kim was better than talking to my therapist. She really understands transgender kids and what their families are going through." That right there made it all worth it.
On Monday, I took Kim to Jess and Finn's school for the in-service. In attendance was Finn's teacher, Jess's teacher, Jess's old teacher from kindergarten, the nurse, the counselor and two teachers from Ale's school. There were more, but I didn't know them. The session was an hour and a half. I couldn't attend, because they want the participants to be able to speak freely.
After the session, while I was waiting for Kim, Jess's kindergarten teacher came over to the car. Jess ran to hide in the back of the van -- the first time I had seen her embarrassed. But the teacher sent the greatest note. Here is what she wrote.
Hi,
I know we didnt get too much time to chat today, but I just wanted to tell you a couple things that I have been thinking about. I want to tell you again what a joy it was to have your child in my class last year. I got to know (male name) over the course of the year and just adored him. He had such a warm and kind heart towards others, was always willing to help, consistently set good examples for others and always had the biggest smile. He was just a delight to be around! What I want to say from all that.... I know Jessica was a little bit shy to see me today, and I just want her to know that I still love her just the same as the student I had last year. I know she has that same big heart and genuine kindness towards others that makes her so special. To me, it does not matter if she lives as (male name) or Jessica, I love her just the same. I believe it is the heart inside the person that makes them who they are. Please let her know that I really think she is so special and hope that she still comes to say hello even though she is a big first grader now!
Thanks for letting me be her kindergarten teacher!
Wasn't that sweet?
After the session, Kim said, "You won't have any trouble." She said she can tell when schools aren't accepting or ready, but she felt our school was engaged and supportive. We will see ...
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