Good article and blogs

A great article from the NY Times.

Here's a good blog by another mom like me.

Another amazing blog.

Pierced ears!

Caley is distressed that her hair is so short, so last night to make her feel more like a girl, she got her wish of pierced ears. It's so funny to watch her. She would flick her imaginary long hair over her shoulder and gaze in the mirror at the cubic zirconia dazzlers in her ears. It was a good night!

I can't dress my boys alike any more

Sometimes I think it will be fun to have another little girl to dress up. I love to braid hair (although her current buzz cut is un-braidable) and girls' clothes are so cute. On the flip side, there's a certain sense of loss. I loved to dress my boys up in matching outfits. It was so cute. And I won't be able to do that any more. So there's a certain sense of loss for my little boy.

Spoke with the elementary school principal today

I had a chance to speak with the elementary school principal today. The good news is that she already embraces Caley and calls her "her." She said that she spent some time on the TYFA website, which I really appreciate. The bad news is that she is heading to Europe for a month tomorrow morning, and I don't think I had her full attention, but I completely don't blame her -- I wouldn't be able to concentrate the day before a big trip like that, either. She also didn't think the in-service would be a good idea, which disappointed me, but I haven't given up yet.

One thing she said that I thought was interesting, but not surprising, was that she didn't think there would be any problems with the faculty or students, but the parents would likely be a problem if there is one. She said she knows the parents, and we live in a very conservative area. Again, not a surprise.

The other good news is that she asked me to reach out to the school superintendent and the assistant superintendent, so that they are aware. I sent them an email today, and hope to talk with them in the near future. So we'll see ...

Is this really the right thing?

Most of the time, I know I'm doing the right thing for my child. She's happier than I've ever seen her. Yesterday, she wore her wig to the beach, and we put pigtails in it. She was comfortable wearing her girl's bathing suit, and seeing her dash in and out of the water with wet pigtails made it seem like all was right with the world.

Then, when we came home, we had the discussion about the movies. As you know, there are several movies coming out this summer. Each child has a passion for one of them. Since I can't afford to take three children to three movies, I told them they could each see one. Jackson's choice was a no brainer -- Transformers Dark of the Moon. Going off on a tangent here: Oh, if I could only find someone to take him. He is passionate about these things, and I absolutely detest the first two movies. They are painful. And yet, I want to share time with him, so I will go. The sacrifices we parents make! I think I will bring a book and a flashlight! Ok, I'm back. Thanks for letting me vent.

Up until yesterday, Rosi said she wanted to see the Selena Gomez movie, Monte Carlo. Now Caley LOVES Selena Gomez and Wizards of Waverly Place. But she also loves Rosi. So when Rosi said she chooses the Harry Potter movie, Caley was crestfallen. Rosi had originally said she wanted to see Monte Carlo. It's just one example of how Caley idolizes Rosi. Literally follows her around. Rosi can ask Caley to clean Rosi's shoes or do Rosi's chores, and Caley would do them in a second -- that's how much she loves Rosi (note: we have had several conversations about why we do not take advantage of our siblings and how sibling does not equal minion). So when Rosi chose a movie that was different from the one she wanted to see, Caley even talked about going to see Harry Potter, which I know she really doesn't like -- just to be with Rosi.

So this made me think -- is there ANY WAY that Caley's wanting to be a girl is to be closer to Rosi? Add this to the list of other questions -- is it because I'm a single mom? Is it because she doesn't have a strong male role model?

Most of the time, I don't worry about these things, because I am certain that inside, Cole is really Caley. But there are these moments of doubt. How horrible would it be if she just wanted to be more like her sister, and I didn't recognize it? What kind of damage would I be doing?

I see this blog as my journal of sorts -- a place to write about my ups and downs. And there are plenty.

Successful play date!

One of the two moms who I called asked to do a play date on Saturday. They came to our house first. The little girl is one of two of Caley's classmates who she told that she wanted to be a girl during the school year. After they played here a while, they invited us to their house -- with a private beach. Caley can't swim with her wig, and without her wig, she wasn't comfortable wearing girls clothes. So she put on her boys' suit and jumped right in. They had a blast. I will be forever grateful to this family for accepting us. Phew! Here are some pix:

Caley goes for a tube ride.

A perfect day at a beautiful lake!

More pix!

Still more ...

Some more videos

Told two of Caley's friends' moms.

So Caley wants to have play dates. So tonight on the way home from work, I called two of her friends' moms and told them about it. We'll see if they still want to have play dates. I hope so ...

Sent an email to the school

I finally heard from Caley's school principal. We've set up time to talk on Monday. In the meantime, I gave her an email head's up on the topic. So nervous ...

Safe folder

So you have to put together a safe folder of informational documents to keep just in case the Department of Children and Family Services shows up at your door. Apparently, well intentioned people have been known to call DCFS to accuse parents of transgender children of child abuse. My friends in the adoption circle will understand how oppressive it is when I say it feels like I have to put together another dossier. They even ask for a home study -- two words that I thought I would never hear again. Ugh.

First mistake of what I'm sure will be many.

So I just talked to the intake coordinator at TYFA -- trans youth family alliance, I think. Anyhow, it's the best organization I've found. I was telling her about how I told the wig people that Cole is transgendered. So she said, "it's a medical condition, and you wouldn't tell a stranger about your child's medical condition if it were anything else, would you?" Um, no. Oops. She suggested that I could have said my little boy likes to play with wigs, or something like that. Plus I gave them my address at that store. Now I am freaked out, because the intake coordinator said that rarely, people will call Child Protective Services on parents who let their children transition. Yikes and shit (pardon my French). I guess I just assume it's best to be open with people. I'm learning that that is not the case. Sigh.

A low and a high and some pix

Okay, so when we got Caley's wig, I admit I had some splainin to do. You can't just walk into a wig shop, ask for a wig for a little boy and expect to not raise an eyebrow. So I thought about what to do. Do I tell the kids to wait in the car, go in first and explain it? I decided to take him right in with me. I said, "my son is transgendered" in front of everyone there like I had said it all my life. The wig shop people sold us a wig, but clearly, they were "wigged out." Plus add to that the fact that Jackson (who HATES dolls of any kind) was totally weirded out by the fake heads with wigs on them, and this was my low.  I did it because I had to, but I don't like the feeling of Caley being out there -- exposed for other people to have opinions about him/her. I am getting a big dose of how moms of disabled kids might feel. It's sure changing my outlook on the world, so that's a positive.

The high came when I was at work today (yes, Sunday). Thanks to ATT, my DSL wasn't working, so I had to drive the half hour into the office to get some work done. While there, I received a call that I would have otherwise missed from the intake coordinator at Trans Youth Family Allies -- the organization from which I've gotten the best information. First of all, when I spoke to the woman, Carol, she didn't go, "Oh, my god!" when I told her about Caley. That in and of itself was refreshing. When I told her where we were in the process, she mentioned that the president of their organization was going to be in MI doing "in services" -- where they talk to school boards about trans students -- the last week in August. When I told her Caley went to kindergarten as Cole and will now be going to first grade as Caley, she explained that they could do a whole in-service for us. I have help! I am not alone! There are other kids in MI like Caley! Woohoo! Better yet, she said kids who transition this young don't usually need therapy for long -- and it's funny, because that's kind of how I've been feeling. I want to offer it, but I really feel like Caley's just a normal girl who happens to have been born in a boy's body. But again, some positive info.

And then I heard from my friend Liz that there was a posting on the Big List (you guatemamas will know the Big List -- a list serve for Guatemalan adoptive families) who has a child with gender identity disorder who was adopted from Guate. What? I thought surely we'd be the only ones. I sent an email to the poster -- don't know if I'll ever hear from her, but at least again, I don't feel so alone.

Now posting some pix of the infamous wig. We have since cut the bangs. I think we're all looking forward to the time when it will be her own beautiful hair again, but for now, it makes her happy -- and that's what it's all about! So ... introducing Caley!

This is her favorite dress -- also note the wig and the girl shoes -- all additions from this weekend.

This struck me as such a girly pose!

At my office today -- she got tired of the wig, so made a crown. If you look closely on the wall of my cube next to the hanger, you will see the wig!

Pure Caley!

Caley and the wig

Cole has chosen a female name -- Caley. It's pronounced like Kay-lee. The turning point for him to want a "girl name" was on Saturday when I bought him a wig. He had some girl clothes, but was hesitant to wear them outside of the house. He has a buzz cut that does not look at all girlish. He asked for a wig, so we went out and bought him one. Stopping here to say OMG -- do you have any idea how much wigs cost? Hoo-boy. So we got a fairly decent looking one for just under $200. As soon as we got it, he put it on and will not take it off -- he now feels okay to wear his girl clothes outside. He wanted to go get girl shoes immediately. So now the picture is complete -- girl clothes, girl hair, girl shoes and girl name. He couldn't be happier. I'm still a little dazed by the whole thing. The great thing has been that the people I have told have been really supportive. I'll post some pix when my internet service is back up.

When I'm a girl ...

Cole has started to talk openly about his future as a girl. We were talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up, and he mentioned a few possible careers and then added -- and I'll be a girl then, too! I still refer to him as him and I can't see that changing for a while. Sometimes I feel fully on board and sometimes I wonder if I will truly be able to be the support he needs. I'm looking for that manual that he came with, but I just can't seem to find it ...

Mom, I need to talk to my psychaitrist

So last night we were talking about Cole's extreme fear of tornados. Whenever the wind rustles the leaves in trees, he runs inside -- afraid a twister is coming. He is constantly watching the clouds to see if they look the least little bit grey (in MI, that's most of the time). For him, grey clouds = tornado. He is SO afraid of tornados, despite understanding what warnings and watches are. All that Joplin stuff freaked him out. So he told me, "Mom, I think I need to talk to my psychaitrist about tornados."

Well, okay then. Who's the mom here anyway? He is precocious and smart beyond his years. If you could just hear him come up with this stuff in his tiny, squeaky voice. It's hard not to smile (even though I know he's deadly serious)!

Wearing girls' clothes

Cole has slipped easily into wearing girls' clothes at home. He was happily wearing an old tankini of Rosi's today as they went for a dip in our wading pool. But he draws the line at going out of the house in them. Once again, my child knows exactly what he is and is not comfortable with.

We went to Wal-Mart, and he changed into his "boys clothes" for the trip. Sometimes, he will wear a girl shirt with a jacket over it, so people can't see.

He told me he'll feel more comfortable when his hair is longer. I can't say I blame him, as right now, he has a buzz cut.

Baby steps.

Cole dancing

Cole at about age 2 with his first love, Cinderella

He loved all the princesses -- in fact, he had princess face paint!

He was too nervous to talk to her at the character breakfast!

The one souvenir he wanted from Disney -- a princess hat. Here he is after the looooooong car ride home -- asleep with his treasure!

He can barely find words to speak!

Playing dress up with his Ariel costume.

His first time out in public dressed as a girl -- Halloween as Ariel.

His third birthday -- note Ariel wrapping paper!

The Ariel costume.

In Guatemala -- that smile will melt your heart!

The princess cash register he wanted for Christmas when he was three.

Pure Cole -- he took this himself!

With his beloved teacher, Ms. Fischhoff

He even wants to wear pink sparkles when he's hurt (note bandage).

Soccer boy

He convinced Jackson to try on some of my lipstick -- clearly, he has better technique than his brother.

Couldn't find him one night and, after a few minutes of panic, found him sleeping under my bed. 

With a mud beauty mask!

Fourth birthday -- note Ariel paper!

His prize gift -- a Wizard of Waverly Place Alex Wand

Christmas magic

My baseball boy

Getting fairy dust sprinkled on him at Disney -- second visit.

He really wanted a princess hat. 

He will tell you this was the best day of his life. Meeting Ariel -- Disney visit #2.

When they ran out of things to do in our apartment at the hotel when we moved to Kzoo!

At hip hop recital.

With Wrigley, who is most often found growling at him.

Trying on Cristina's wig.

Trying on Cristina's wig