Most of the time, I know I'm doing the right thing for my child. She's happier than I've ever seen her. Yesterday, she wore her wig to the beach, and we put pigtails in it. She was comfortable wearing her girl's bathing suit, and seeing her dash in and out of the water with wet pigtails made it seem like all was right with the world.
Then, when we came home, we had the discussion about the movies. As you know, there are several movies coming out this summer. Each child has a passion for one of them. Since I can't afford to take three children to three movies, I told them they could each see one. Jackson's choice was a no brainer -- Transformers Dark of the Moon. Going off on a tangent here: Oh, if I could only find someone to take him. He is passionate about these things, and I absolutely detest the first two movies. They are painful. And yet, I want to share time with him, so I will go. The sacrifices we parents make! I think I will bring a book and a flashlight! Ok, I'm back. Thanks for letting me vent.
Up until yesterday, Rosi said she wanted to see the Selena Gomez movie, Monte Carlo. Now Caley LOVES Selena Gomez and Wizards of Waverly Place. But she also loves Rosi. So when Rosi said she chooses the Harry Potter movie, Caley was crestfallen. Rosi had originally said she wanted to see Monte Carlo. It's just one example of how Caley idolizes Rosi. Literally follows her around. Rosi can ask Caley to clean Rosi's shoes or do Rosi's chores, and Caley would do them in a second -- that's how much she loves Rosi (note: we have had several conversations about why we do not take advantage of our siblings and how sibling does not equal minion). So when Rosi chose a movie that was different from the one she wanted to see, Caley even talked about going to see Harry Potter, which I know she really doesn't like -- just to be with Rosi.
So this made me think -- is there ANY WAY that Caley's wanting to be a girl is to be closer to Rosi? Add this to the list of other questions -- is it because I'm a single mom? Is it because she doesn't have a strong male role model?
Most of the time, I don't worry about these things, because I am certain that inside, Cole is really Caley. But there are these moments of doubt. How horrible would it be if she just wanted to be more like her sister, and I didn't recognize it? What kind of damage would I be doing?
I see this blog as my journal of sorts -- a place to write about my ups and downs. And there are plenty.
Marjorie: I just love this post, because it really shows that you are only primarily concerned with what it is Caley truly wants. It is so much better that you question and wrestle with it to really make sure you are seeing all sides. And you should never stop doing that. But I think that it is Caley's "girliness" that makes her want to be like Rosi - in the same way that little girls often idolize their big sisters and little brothers do their big brothers. And I think in one of the clips you posted one of the dads thought the same thing -- was his daughter only claiming to be a boy because she wanted to please him and bring him back to the family after a divorce.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you could ever force this on someone. Once I read a story about a family with a baby boy who had some sort of medical procedure and during this procedure the boy's penis was accidentally removed. So the family was told to just raise the boy as a girl instead. They did this, dressing him in girl clothes, trying to encourage girl interests, etc. But it didn't work because he always knew inside he was a boy. So even though this family *tried* to make him a girl, they couldn't do it. So as long as it is what Caley continuously says this is what she wants I don't think you are doing damage.
Thanks, Liz! Sometime I feel like I'm waffling, but then again, I think it's important to ask the questions.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Liz--and I truly believe that Caley was born as she is.
ReplyDeleteIt's not exactly the same, but I highly recommend the novel Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, which explores gender identity.
Totally agree with above comments. And, yes, you should definitely read Middlesex. It is one of my all time favorite books and I keep thinking of it when I read this blog. The main character (Cal) is a hermaphrodite, so not the same as Caley, but she (then he) struggles with her gender identity. It's set in Gross Pointe, MI in the mid-70's (so very similar to our childhood in LB/LF). A great read!!
ReplyDeleteAnd, let me say again what a great mom you are.
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ReplyDeleteAnd I totally agree with you about the Transformers movies. Excruciatingly bad!!
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